In the last few years I have taken to writing in my journal in the form of prayers to Yahweh. This is what I wrote today. Because it relates to some things I have said here recently, I decided to share it.
I lost my work in the other program and I hate doing things over, but this is on my mind so I’ll try again. I’m thinking about my blindness today after finishing Joni’s last book. She thanked You for her wheelchair. I can’t honestly thank You for my blindness. Does that indicate a lack of trust in You? I keep thinking someday I’ll discover the one thing I’ve been missing and then You’ll heal me. I can at least know that You can bring good even from our mistakes, so even if I’m missing something, I can trust You to bring good from it.
Something rebels in me at the thought of thanking you for my Blindness. I guess Joni would say I should trust that You know what you’re doing and have faith that this is best. My faith healer friends would call that listening to the devil and say that I should have faith in the promises of scripture. I would point out that the scripture promises suffering too and ask why Paul would suggest to Timothy that he should use wine for his stomach ailments rather than that he should have enough faith to be healed.
I am left unconvinced that my blindness glorifies You in any way. Maybe I should trust that You will have glory from it and thank You from that faith, but I am not ready to believe that. I can’t let go of the idea that this is wrong and I should be healed. I confess to a little resentment even while recognizing how foolish that is. I owe You everything. I owe You my life and my gratitude. You have blessed me richly and I have no right to complain because You haven’t given me what I want. Because I can’t come to terms with the idea that this is ok and might even be Your will, I can’t bring myself to thank You for it. That would be an admission of defeat. That would be a relinquishment of hope. Maybe giving You this thing that I hold onto so tightly even though I don’t actually have it is exactly what You want.
It certainly isn’t what I want. I say I wouldn’t do anything evil to get it, but is not the fact that I want it whether it is Your will or not evil? I have this idea, however foolish it may be, that I could do anything and be anything if only I could see. I claim the errors of my youth stripped my arrogance from me, but is this thinking not proof that it is still there? I’m involved in a ministry to others with disabilities. Is it not pure Hypocrisy that I look at my own condition as standing in the way of who I could be and what I could accomplish? This alone may be sufficient cause for You to deny me healing.
What would I do if I had it? Would I follow Your way or mine? Would a sense of obligation to pay You back, (as if I didn’t already owe You everything) drive me to engage in a series of empty works? Would I go my own way and then be destroyed by the guilt born of that same sense of obligation? I know what I think about. I don’t think about all the things I could do for You. I think about all the things I could do for myself. I think about driving where I want to go. I think about reading what I want to read when and where I want to read it. Oh there would be lots of Christian books. <smile> I think about excelling ahead of my peers at work. There goes that arrogance again. I’m not You and don’t want the job, but if I were, I wouldn’t give it to me.
I still want it. I want it more than I should. If I thought it would work, I’d offer You some kind of bargain to get it. I second guess You and somehow think I know better. I think that after all You are God and whatever negative consequences might come from healing me You are big enough to override. In the end I’m willing to take my chances. I want it like Israel wanted that king. They too wanted to be like all the people around them. They too must have thought that the consequences would be worth it. They put their own desires ahead of You. That rebellious spirit eventually destroyed them. Is that where I’m headed? Am I determined that You should give me something that You do not want me to have; somehow thinking that will allow me to win all my battles?
What then of the message we are preaching that You have a purpose for everyone regardless of limitation. Do I really believe that? I confess that I look at some of the people I know and wonder how it could be. They are barely able to exist, much less do anything for You. Some lack even the mental capacity to engage in intercessory prayer. How can they glorify You? Is not Your healing power a better answer for them. Is it not a better answer for all of us?
I guess I may never get these answers while I am on the earth. All I can do is what I find in front of me. I choose to trust You. I will continue to pray, to read the Bible and seek the truth. I will be a blessing where I can and continue to encourage those around me with what little I do know. I will follow the path that You seem to have directed me to. You will have to do the rest.